Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Randomize
