Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
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