I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize