Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Randomize
