she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
