My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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