I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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