Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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