I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
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I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
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I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.