Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
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if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible