A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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