it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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