Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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