I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I did not marry a roomba.
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