If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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