I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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