"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
