3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
