i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
