She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
worst night to have a conscience
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
