Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
