i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
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I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
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I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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