Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
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I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
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Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
tell me about the eggs
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