That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
