Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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