we're blogging at a bar
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
