im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
