She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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