I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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