guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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