Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
