Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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