i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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