Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
