allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
