Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
