after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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