I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
