I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Randomize
