does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
