a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
