Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
