My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
