I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
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