goodnight i made you a song goodbye
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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