He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
