I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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