why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
