If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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