I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
we're making bets on your personal life
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
