I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
