Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Text me some of your sweat
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