I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i dont even know how to be here
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Why can't burritos get me drunk
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
