i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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