Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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