you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
