I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
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