when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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