I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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