Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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