During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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